Trying

A stream of consciousness poem after a trying day of trying to be better.

You push and push

Against the simplest things.

I try and try

To speak with gentleness,

Respond with patience.

I want to keep you safe.

I want to make you happy.

I want to help you learn

How to be in this world

Harmoniously.

But you push and push

Against it all

And the well of patience

I previously held in pride

Is running dry.

I’m scraping my fingers

Against unyielding stone

Trying to find a drop more

But the only thing that wells

Is my blood

And it boils

In reaction to its exposure.

Suddenly

My voice is not my own.

Loud

Harsh

Whiplash sharp

It snaps out in

Reprimand.

My stomach sinks in shame

To witness this self

I do not wish to own.

I ache with regret

As I watch your face

Crumple

And the tears well.

I reach for you

And am filled with

Gratitude

That you still come to me

For comfort,

Even when the source of your

Distress

Is of my making.

I am filled anew with

Guilt

And as I whisper my sorry

Over and over

The voice in my head

Turns the reprimand inward.

I try and try

To hold to my patience.

But my grip loosens

Too readily,

Weakened by exhaustion

And the never-enough-ness

Of it all.

One day,

I hope you will understand

That I truly tried

To be better

And I never meant to

Fall short

Of the love that you deserve.

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Feeling a little steamrollered by life (particularly parenting life) right now. Love to anyone else who feels their ‘trying my best’ is falling short.

Go gently, friends.

J x